'Bout time I wrote something, I'm a slacker...

Life has been busy. Shannon has done a good job in the last post to summarize the last month or so. I just figured I would write something because I have largely slacked on doing my part to update the blog.

What a crazy time this has been. Life marches forward and we go along with it, but our hearts will always linger with the memories of Lucas. People ask how we are doing, and I usually respond, "We are doing well," and that is true, we are well. We have so much to be grateful for. Yeah, we have our moments where we completely lose ourselves in tears and some of those cry sessions can be intense and drawn out, but we always find comfort in the Spirit and the truths we have been taught and still believe.

Not too long ago I told myself that when I see a picture of Lucas I would choose to smile, rather than be sad. That doesn't always work, but for the most part I can smile because I know that Lucas must be so much happier now, and he doesn't have to experience so much pain and discomfort. I also feel that there are times when he is close to us and he is aware of how much we miss and love him. I am so grateful to a loving Father in Heaven who allows us to experience tragedy but gives us promises and the opportunity to exercise faith in those promises and receive peace and comfort through his Spirit. I have so many questions left unanswered, and I probably will for a long time, but I trust that Our Father in Heaven is in control, is aware of every detail of our lives, and loves us infinitely more than we comprehend. I know that he has the answers to my questions and in time they will be answered. For now, I trust that Lucas knows we love him and he loves us, and one day we will be reunited with him. What a glorious experience that will be.

I know we have said it before, but I want to say it again. Thank you, to all those who have blessed our lives in large and small ways. You mean so much to us and may you be blessed in your lives and your families for your goodness.

One more thing in closing. My heart goes out to all of those individuals and families who continue to struggle with illness, tragedy, and difficulty, may God bless you to get through your trials. A special prayer for those whose lives have been touched by Cancer, may God bless and comfort you. We love you guys!

Aaron

So much to be Thankful for...

My how time flies. I can't believe how long it has been since my last post. I have no excuses and I need to do a better job of updating since I am horrible at writing in a journal. It was so easy when Lucas was sick because there were so many of you wanting information and it seemed to change from day to day. So we felt a need to share that information as frequently as possible. But we do have 2 other children that's lives need to be documented as well. And although our daily routine may seem boring at times, it's our life and I need to do a better job of documenting all of the little and silly things that happen. Halloween was a blast. We went to Aaron's parents neighborhood and Donna, (my mother in law) painted the boys faces. Kaden was a dead pirate and Jonas was a zombie football player. I think the days of cute Halloween costumes are over. They wanted to be scary this year. Aaron will post some pictures soon. Aaron went to Florida for two weeks to get a few certifications for his job. It's sooooo good to have him home. We all missed him terribly. It was a long two weeks for both of us but him having those certifications will hopefully benefit his career in the future. He's a computer programmer for those of you who are curious. I'm so grateful for him and all of the hard work he does to provide a comfortable life for our family. He's so dedicated and gives 100% and I know that it isn't always easy. His employers have been so gracious and supportive to our family through these past recent months and I am so thankful for their kindness and understanding. Our basement was recently finished and the boys now have a play room and Aaron finally has his office. A huge thanks to all of you who gave of your donations, time, and talents in helping us to lessen the expense. We appreciate it from the bottom of our hearts!! We spent Thanksgiving with Aaron's family this year. (We do the every other year thing as that seems to work out best.) It was nice to visit with his sister Marnie, niece Erin, brother Cameron, and his parents Bill and Donna. I feel so lucky to have married into such an awesome family. I couldn't have asked for better in law's. They truly treat me as one of their own. We had a delicious Thanksgiving dinner and watched the movie "UP" which was so cute. We hadn't seen it before. The weather was beautiful and not too cold. I must say though, once Thanksgiving is over I am always anxious for snow. I love snow during the weeks prior to Christmas. We now have a huge grass field in front of our house that would be perfect for snowman building, snowball fights, etc. It hasn't snowed enough to take the boys sledding and they are just chomping at the bit to go. I couldn't go last year because Lucas was just a newborn. We found out 2 days ago that Lucas' stone should be in very soon. I asked them if it would be possible to get it in by his birthday on December 8th and they are going to do everything they can to make that possible. It would be great to have something to look at when we go visit him. Last night we stopped by to say hello and tell him things that we are thankful for. It was cute to hear the boys talking to their baby brother. We all miss him so much. I know he doesn't want to see us sad and crying, but I can't help it. It's healing for me to cry and be sad sometimes. It's almost like I hold it in for a week at a time and let life get busy. And then something will remind me of him and I'll just let it all out. I always feel better afterwards. I had the opportunity to teach a lesson in church 2 weeks ago and felt prompted to share our experience with going through our recent trial. It felt good to let everyone know how we are getting through it and that despite all of the heartache, a lot of good has transpired. We need to find the positive things and hold onto them or our trials will destroy us. I am so grateful to have a knowledge of the plan of salvation and that our family is going to be together forever. I know that Heavenly Father lives and loves us and that it's through adversity that we can become the sons and daughters that He desires for us to be. For how else are we suppose to grow and learn if life is always comfortable? It's so easy to let our wheels spin and not to progress. He gives us these hardships in life because He loves us. And I'm sure it's heartbreaking for Him to watch us suffer through difficult times. I know that it was difficult for us as parents to watch Lucas suffer so I can only imagine how He must feel seeing many of His children suffer simultaneously. Well, it's getting late so I should probably go to bed soon. Thank you all so much for caring about our family. It is truly humbling how many of you have shown your love through letters, care packages, acts of service, hugs, smiles, prayers, the list could go on forever. Oh and before I forget, there will be a tree at the "Festival of Tree's" in honor of Lucas and Sadie Huish. For those of you in our area who are planning on attending look for the tree decorated in Curious George. Thanks to the Armstrong's for their time in planning this donation. It will be held at the South Towne Expo from December 2nd-5th. We are so excited to see it all done and want to thank all of those involved. What a great event and what a wonderful cause. (It is a benefit for the children at Primary Children's Medical Center which is where Lucas and Sadie were treated.) I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving!!!

Shannon

It's Sunday night and I'm getting ready to go to bed and thought I'd post a quick update. Lucas' head stone should be done in the next couple of weeks. Hopefully it will get in the ground before the first freeze otherwise it will have to wait until spring when the ground thaws. We took the boys to a movie yesterday with our friends Kelly and Roger and their 3 boys. It was good to see them but the movie was not one I would recommend. "Where the Wild Things Are" is not one we will be buying. The kids didn't like it either so people....don't waste your money. After the movie we went to Cafe Rio for dinner and I got my favorite pork barbacoa salad. I was kind of sad because the last time I had eaten this salad was at home during the last few days of Lucas' life. We were laying on the bed with him. These are moments that will hit me everyday I'm sure. Like the other day I was cleaning out the utensil drawer and came across a couple of Lucas' Binky's that I had boiled and put away in the back of the drawer. He loved those Binky's. Well, on a happier note....our basement is coming along and nearing the end of completion. My dad and brother were able to come over this weekend and do the wood work and our good friend Jared Hill will be starting the painting soon and is hoping to be done within a week. I'm so excited for the boys to have a play room downstairs. It will be so nice to have the extra room since we live in a town home and space is hard to come by. I want to thank everyone who have so graciously helped in getting this project done. I only wish Lucas was able to enjoy the finished product someday. Well, I'm off to bed now. Hopefully I can get some good sleep. I've been up a lot this past week with a really bad cough that doesn't seem to want to go away. I went to the instacare yesterday and the doctor said it's just a viral infection that has to run it's course. Hopefully it will clear in the next couple of days. Sweet dreams...

Shannon

It's been a while

I was going to post an update on Monday which was 1 month since Lucas' funeral, but the blog website had us blocked from doing so because of possible spam? I don't know, it's cleared up now. Anyway, life has been full of ups and downs. We took the boys to my grandparents house in St. George for a little get away this past weekend and it was a lot of fun. We just relaxed, watched General Conference, and played in between. We took the boys to a movie and ate at Pirate Island. We spent some time with Aaron's brothers family who now live down there and it was fun to see the boys interact with their girl cousins. It was good for us to spend some quality time together as a family. I had a few sad moments though that took me by surprise. The last time we went down to St. George was at the end of May. It was at my grandparents house that Lucas started exhibiting symptoms of the tumor. He was in so much pain and we couldn't figure out why. I remember he used to hate tummy time, but my grandma had a butterfly quilt that she had made and placed it on the kitchen rug and he laid there on that blanket for an hour at a time on his stomach with his head facing to the left. He wouldn't turn to the other side and now we know why. It was because the tumor wasn't hurting him in that position. I walked into the kitchen and looked at the rug and the memory came back to me instantly. I became very sad.

On a good note, I had the opportunity to go to Primary's last Thursday with my grandmother. She has been busy making quilts for the hospital and asked me to go with her. I was nervous because I hadn't been back since we took our son home to spend time with him before he would ultimately pass away. It was hard but it was a great experience. There was a man in the lobby that came up to my grandma while she was filling out something at the front desk. He said that he felt a prompting to say how much he appreciated her service. He had a 12 year old son upstairs with cerebral palsy. He's endured so much in his life and when he was a baby, he received a donated blanket which he has loved to this day. He got choked up and continued to tell us how this blanket is worn and tattered but never fails to bring him comfort. He can't talk but loves to listen to songs about the Savior and hold his blanket close. He thanked her and she felt good inside. I'm so proud to have her as my grandmother. She is such an example to me and I love her so very much.

On Sunday night we decided to go on a walk. It was chilly and we were wearing our coats and hats. As we were walking Aaron made a comment wondering if Lucas was with us on our walk. Kaden said in his matter of fact voice, "Yea, he's probably just floating around us." It made us all laugh. I know that he is probably so busy in the spirit world, but I know that he is permitted to come and visit us from time to time. I've been reading a book called "Life Everlasting" and it has brought me so much comfort. I still have a long way to go but it's been really interesting to read about other's experiences throughout the decades who have passed through the veil only to be told it wasn't their time. I've had so many questions and this book along with the scriptures have brought much needed answers. There are other books that have been recommended and I plan on reading those next. The whole thing just fascinates me and I feel so much peace and comfort knowing that we will be with our son again. What a reunion that will be!!! I'm grateful for my husband who has been so caring and supportive throughout this whole ordeal. I've heard that many marriages don't survive after the loss of a child and I can only say that we are doing great and taking time to grieve individually and also together. Even Kaden and Jonas have had their moments of missing their brother and they cry. It's healthy to show emotion and to talk about it together. Thank you all for your continued love and support.

Shannon

Life without Lucas...

Well, it's been almost 2 weeks since my last post. I feel like such a slacker but it's just been a hard couple of weeks. That phrase "Time heals" isn't all it's cracked up to be. If anything it's even harder now than it was a couple of weeks ago. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because it's really sunk in that he's gone and that this is our life now. I'll be fine one moment and then something will trigger something in me to the point where the tears can't be controlled. Even the smallest thing can make me so sad. We decided to take the boys to Lagoon on Saturday since we had promised them all summer we would go and for some reason never got around to it. They had a blast and Kaden was finally old enough this year to go on all of the big rollercoasters. (Even the one's I'm to chicken to go on.) He loved it. Jonas being our more timid and cautious child was perfectly content riding on the kiddie rides. I did my best to put on a happy face, but inside I was struggling. All around us were babies Lucas' age. I would see them on the merry go round sitting on thier mom's laps laughing as the animals went up and down. I would see them sharing a shaved ice with a sibling, thier mouths covered in red and blue stickiness. I would see them sitting in thier strollers sleeping through all of the noise. Even in the bathroom getting thier diapers changed. I was jealous of these moms who had no idea how lucky they were and I was sad that Lucas couldn't be there with us. Then I had to remind myself that we still have 2 wonderful boys and I should stop feeling sorry for myself. I am grateful for them in my life. Kaden's doing well in school and seems to be adjusting just fine. Jonas has been playing with friends a lot and loves it. I love it to because I seem to get more done when he has a friend to play with. We ordered Lucas' headstone and it should be here sometime the end of October. Hopefully it comes before the first freeze or we will have to wait until spring. We decided on a simple and small headstone for Lucas. It will have his picture on it and an etching of his bear. Aaron's uncle Doug is designing something special to engrave on the back. I can't wait to see it!!! We've been trying to stay busy and productive to help keep our minds off of things, but sometimes we like to take time to reflect and talk about Lucas and cry. We were late to church on Sunday because I had a break down and just sobbed. This is our life now and we are doing the best we can just taking it one day at a time. We have recieved many cards in the mail from freinds, family, and complete strangers over the past couple of weeks and I want to thank everyone for your continued support. It has truly helped knowing how many people love our family. Thank you for being there for us though this difficult time. We love you all so much!!!

Shannon

One Week Today

It was exactly 1 week ago that Lucas earned his wings. This past week has been one of sadness, but we are finding strength that can only be explained by our loving Heavenly Father's hand. Yesterday Kaden was outside riding a neighbors skateboard and trying some new tricks. Then as we were getting ready for bed he said, "Mom, I thought Lucas was inside. Then I remembered he's in heaven and could see me doing all of my cool tricks!" I had to laugh. Laughter is just as theraputic and healing as crying. I find myself breaking down and tearing up over the dumbest things. Like the other day when I decided to transfer all of my stuff from the diaper bag back to a purse. I was cleaning out the pockets of the diaper bag and came across the tube of ora-gel that I had bought him back when all of this started and the doctor told me he was just teething. I kept his bear and slept with it a few nights ago. It still smells like him and I cried as I held it to my face. I am going to miss that little guy so much. We've gone as a family to visit his grave sight a couple of times this week and it's been nice. We took turns telling Lucas what we loved about him and what we are going to miss. It was a great activity for the boys to connect with him as they were distracted running around the cemetary. We are in the process of deciding what to put on his head stone. We have to decide soon because it will take 6 weeks to get made and it has to be put in before the ground freezes. We decided to purchase our plots and had Lucas burried between us. The head stone will have all three of us on it. (With the exception of our death dates of course.) I know that life will never be the same. I feel an emptiness in my heart that can never be filled. I love my son so very much. I know that we will be together again someday but in the mean time, it will not be easy as I am not a patient person. I guess that's a quality I will need to work on. I want to thank all of you for your support and please continue to pray for us as your prayers have strengthened us. We love you all!!!

Shannon

Rest in Peace Lucas

Last night was Lucas' viewing and although there was some confusion on map quest, there was a great turnout. Lucas looked like an angel and I want to thank our friend and funeral director Brian for doing such a great job. It was so great to see so many friends both old and new. This morning was the funeral and Aaron and I decided to speak. It couldn't have gone better. I definitely felt Lucas there. I hope we made him proud as he has made us both so proud. When we left this morning to go to the church house it was slightly raining and I remember thinking, "Oh no, not today. It can't rain today!!" Well, after the funeral service we were riding in a limo with Lucas' casket and I decided to check my cell phone. My good friend Whitney had sent me a picture of a beautiful rainbow she saw while driving to the funeral. This was only 20 min. before the service started. I'd like to think that Lucas was sending a little sign that he was smiling down on us. During the viewing this morning I felt so much comfort and kept my composure that is until the closing of the casket. Knowing that it would be the last time I would kiss his forehead and see his sweet face was so difficult. But, I know that I will be with my son again someday and that brings me much comfort. Aaron's Uncle Curtis did a wonderful job on a digital slide show of Lucas that played outside in the hall of the church. I couldn't watch it until tonight because we were visiting with family and friends. It was probably a good thing because I watched it tonight and cried through the whole thing. However, there were some laughs as well especially when a picture would pop up of Lucas making a funny face. What a character!! There were two musical numbers one of which my mother wrote the music and lyrics to. It was so incredible and I could feel Lucas' presence. After the services we went to the cemetery and the flowers were so beautiful. After the dedication of the grave there was a balloon release in which all of the children participated. Then we went back to the church for a family luncheon. I think today went really well and I'm so grateful for all of those who came to support us. We love you all so much!!! So many people were telling us how strong we were. Um....we were only strong because of all of the prayers being offered on our behalf. That and the comforter was embracing us and holding us up. I ask that you continue to pray for us as I know that once the dust has settled and things start to quite down, that's when it's going to be the hardest. At least, that's what I've heard. It's after the first couple of weeks that it becomes very difficult. I'm going to miss Lucas so much. Personally, I'm going to allow myself to have bad days when I just want to stay inside and cry. I think crying is so therapeutic and I always feel better afterwards. There is no weakness in tears, only healing. I also think it would be good for me to stay busy. I plan on volunteering in Kaden's first grade class and being more involved with his education. My house has been so neglected this summer mostly because I just didn't care. I had to many other things to worry about and so I look forward to cleaning and organizing once again. I miss my friends and having play dates and girls nights. I was at the hospital most of the summer and when I was home, I didn't dare take Lucas outside of the house for fear of him getting an infection. His battle was only 3 months and yet it seemed like a lot longer. I must say, I am not looking forward to going through his things. I plan on putting his swing, crib, stroller, high chair, etc. in storage this week. It's just to hard to walk by it all everyday now that there is no need for them. I hope to use it all again someday, just not anytime soon. We would love to have more children but we need some time to mourn. I don't know if we posted this earlier but on the day that we were discharged from the hospital we received the news that the genetic testing was back. It showed that the genetic mutation was found only in his tumor and not in his blood or DNA. This means that Lucas did not inherit ATRT from either of us. It was a spontaneous tumor. We don't have to worry about Kaden or Jonas or any future kids having it. This was some good news amidst the bad news. Anyway, we will continue to update the blog as this has been a great way to keep a journal and I have never been one to write in a journal. I'm realizing how important it is to keep a history of events because being human, we have a tendency to forget things. Thank you all for your sweet gestures, cards, donations, support, and love.

Shannon