Sunday, October 18, 2009

It's Sunday night and I'm getting ready to go to bed and thought I'd post a quick update. Lucas' head stone should be done in the next couple of weeks. Hopefully it will get in the ground before the first freeze otherwise it will have to wait until spring when the ground thaws. We took the boys to a movie yesterday with our friends Kelly and Roger and their 3 boys. It was good to see them but the movie was not one I would recommend. "Where the Wild Things Are" is not one we will be buying. The kids didn't like it either so people....don't waste your money. After the movie we went to Cafe Rio for dinner and I got my favorite pork barbacoa salad. I was kind of sad because the last time I had eaten this salad was at home during the last few days of Lucas' life. We were laying on the bed with him. These are moments that will hit me everyday I'm sure. Like the other day I was cleaning out the utensil drawer and came across a couple of Lucas' Binky's that I had boiled and put away in the back of the drawer. He loved those Binky's. Well, on a happier note....our basement is coming along and nearing the end of completion. My dad and brother were able to come over this weekend and do the wood work and our good friend Jared Hill will be starting the painting soon and is hoping to be done within a week. I'm so excited for the boys to have a play room downstairs. It will be so nice to have the extra room since we live in a town home and space is hard to come by. I want to thank everyone who have so graciously helped in getting this project done. I only wish Lucas was able to enjoy the finished product someday. Well, I'm off to bed now. Hopefully I can get some good sleep. I've been up a lot this past week with a really bad cough that doesn't seem to want to go away. I went to the instacare yesterday and the doctor said it's just a viral infection that has to run it's course. Hopefully it will clear in the next couple of days. Sweet dreams...


Wednesday, October 7, 2009

It's been a while

I was going to post an update on Monday which was 1 month since Lucas' funeral, but the blog website had us blocked from doing so because of possible spam? I don't know, it's cleared up now. Anyway, life has been full of ups and downs. We took the boys to my grandparents house in St. George for a little get away this past weekend and it was a lot of fun. We just relaxed, watched General Conference, and played in between. We took the boys to a movie and ate at Pirate Island. We spent some time with Aaron's brothers family who now live down there and it was fun to see the boys interact with their girl cousins. It was good for us to spend some quality time together as a family. I had a few sad moments though that took me by surprise. The last time we went down to St. George was at the end of May. It was at my grandparents house that Lucas started exhibiting symptoms of the tumor. He was in so much pain and we couldn't figure out why. I remember he used to hate tummy time, but my grandma had a butterfly quilt that she had made and placed it on the kitchen rug and he laid there on that blanket for an hour at a time on his stomach with his head facing to the left. He wouldn't turn to the other side and now we know why. It was because the tumor wasn't hurting him in that position. I walked into the kitchen and looked at the rug and the memory came back to me instantly. I became very sad.

On a good note, I had the opportunity to go to Primary's last Thursday with my grandmother. She has been busy making quilts for the hospital and asked me to go with her. I was nervous because I hadn't been back since we took our son home to spend time with him before he would ultimately pass away. It was hard but it was a great experience. There was a man in the lobby that came up to my grandma while she was filling out something at the front desk. He said that he felt a prompting to say how much he appreciated her service. He had a 12 year old son upstairs with cerebral palsy. He's endured so much in his life and when he was a baby, he received a donated blanket which he has loved to this day. He got choked up and continued to tell us how this blanket is worn and tattered but never fails to bring him comfort. He can't talk but loves to listen to songs about the Savior and hold his blanket close. He thanked her and she felt good inside. I'm so proud to have her as my grandmother. She is such an example to me and I love her so very much.

On Sunday night we decided to go on a walk. It was chilly and we were wearing our coats and hats. As we were walking Aaron made a comment wondering if Lucas was with us on our walk. Kaden said in his matter of fact voice, "Yea, he's probably just floating around us." It made us all laugh. I know that he is probably so busy in the spirit world, but I know that he is permitted to come and visit us from time to time. I've been reading a book called "Life Everlasting" and it has brought me so much comfort. I still have a long way to go but it's been really interesting to read about other's experiences throughout the decades who have passed through the veil only to be told it wasn't their time. I've had so many questions and this book along with the scriptures have brought much needed answers. There are other books that have been recommended and I plan on reading those next. The whole thing just fascinates me and I feel so much peace and comfort knowing that we will be with our son again. What a reunion that will be!!! I'm grateful for my husband who has been so caring and supportive throughout this whole ordeal. I've heard that many marriages don't survive after the loss of a child and I can only say that we are doing great and taking time to grieve individually and also together. Even Kaden and Jonas have had their moments of missing their brother and they cry. It's healthy to show emotion and to talk about it together. Thank you all for your continued love and support.