Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Life without Lucas...

Well, it's been almost 2 weeks since my last post. I feel like such a slacker but it's just been a hard couple of weeks. That phrase "Time heals" isn't all it's cracked up to be. If anything it's even harder now than it was a couple of weeks ago. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because it's really sunk in that he's gone and that this is our life now. I'll be fine one moment and then something will trigger something in me to the point where the tears can't be controlled. Even the smallest thing can make me so sad. We decided to take the boys to Lagoon on Saturday since we had promised them all summer we would go and for some reason never got around to it. They had a blast and Kaden was finally old enough this year to go on all of the big rollercoasters. (Even the one's I'm to chicken to go on.) He loved it. Jonas being our more timid and cautious child was perfectly content riding on the kiddie rides. I did my best to put on a happy face, but inside I was struggling. All around us were babies Lucas' age. I would see them on the merry go round sitting on thier mom's laps laughing as the animals went up and down. I would see them sharing a shaved ice with a sibling, thier mouths covered in red and blue stickiness. I would see them sitting in thier strollers sleeping through all of the noise. Even in the bathroom getting thier diapers changed. I was jealous of these moms who had no idea how lucky they were and I was sad that Lucas couldn't be there with us. Then I had to remind myself that we still have 2 wonderful boys and I should stop feeling sorry for myself. I am grateful for them in my life. Kaden's doing well in school and seems to be adjusting just fine. Jonas has been playing with friends a lot and loves it. I love it to because I seem to get more done when he has a friend to play with. We ordered Lucas' headstone and it should be here sometime the end of October. Hopefully it comes before the first freeze or we will have to wait until spring. We decided on a simple and small headstone for Lucas. It will have his picture on it and an etching of his bear. Aaron's uncle Doug is designing something special to engrave on the back. I can't wait to see it!!! We've been trying to stay busy and productive to help keep our minds off of things, but sometimes we like to take time to reflect and talk about Lucas and cry. We were late to church on Sunday because I had a break down and just sobbed. This is our life now and we are doing the best we can just taking it one day at a time. We have recieved many cards in the mail from freinds, family, and complete strangers over the past couple of weeks and I want to thank everyone for your continued support. It has truly helped knowing how many people love our family. Thank you for being there for us though this difficult time. We love you all so much!!!

Shannon

21 comments:

  1. I know this hard time is incredibly hard and something that a person would have to experience to really know the feeling. I have to tell you, though, I look up to you a lot! You hold it together in front of everyone. You are such a strong woman! Your faith is incredible. It will be hard for a while, but nothing will waver your faith and testimony. I admire that in you. Thank you for that.

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  2. When my sister died in a car accident at 19, along with her husband, I was in a state of shock and it just took a long time to get out of it. What you're feeling is totally normal. Let it happen. You need to express your feelings and cry right now. It's the best thing to allow your body and your mind to heal and accept what has happened. God bless you and your family.

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  3. Thank you for all your posts. Although tough to read (can't imagine how hard it is for you to write all of this) It has been a huge eye opener for me. I think I have taken my kids health for granted. We will continue to keep you in our prayers!!! BTW, we were at lagoon on Saturday too!!!

    -Mitch Manley(used to be in your ward)

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  4. Shannon, Thanks for the update, we have been worrying and praying for you. My mom has a card and a CD that we sent for you. The CD is something that has helped me reflect on life and has allowed me to cry as well to get it all out. Hopefully it will be inspiring to you and at the same time help you feel okay to just cry. We love you guys and hope that you make it through this tough time okay. We sure love you guys!
    Gen

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  5. You said you were sad at Lagoon cause Lucas couldn't be there with you. Shannon, I know he is with you more than you know and I'm willing to bet he misses you just as much as you miss him. You are still very much in our thoughts and prayers.

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  6. We continue to think about your family. You are all so sweet! It's OK to cry, it's normal. I can't imagine the void you feel. Please know that there are many people out there continuing to pray for your family. So so sorry.... I can just imagine the reunion that you will have when you return to be with him.

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  7. Shannon i continue to pray for you and your family! I geat great strength from reading your blogs! You are an amazing woman with great strenth! Know that I am thinking of you!

    Tamara

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  8. I'm a complete stranger who can only imagine the pain and heartache that you must feel. I don't think you have to always be strong. Although, you do have two other beautiful boys, you still have one that your heart aches to hold and to touch. It's okay to cry and cry often if you need to. Know that you are in the prayers of many people. Many of us you do not even know, but we have been strenghtened because of your faith and testimony. I pray that you will find peace and comfort in this most difficult time.

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  9. I'm so happy I saw you at church and gave you a hug! Especially knowing now why you were late. Thanks for posting again and allowing so many of us follow your journey.

    Audra Armstrong

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  10. Shannon,
    My thoughts and prayers still go out to your family in this hard time. I love reading your blog and hearing about your journey.
    You have a beautiful family and I know you will get through this together! He is looking down on you everyday!
    Love,
    Elisa
    (Friend of Jake's and Nic Willman's sister)

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  11. Dear Shannon, Aaron & boys,
    I am so glad we were able to travel from Cedar City for the funeral, but most of all to get to see you and your beautiful family. We went to our grandsons soccer game last night and Robert got hit in the face. It was scary at first till we saw that he only bit his tongue. This was such a small thing compared to what you have and are going through but it reminded me of how precious our families are. I know you are having a hard time but I pray that you will let yourselves cry and let the feelings you are haveing come out. I know that you and Aaron can comfort each other because even if you have different feelings at different times you can help each other. I know you are strong and that you know that you will be together again. I want you to know that you brought our family closer together through this process. I only wish we lived a little closer so we could see you more often. We love you very much and continue to pray for Heavenly Father's comforting spirit to help you through this. Love,
    Aunt Linda and Uncle Al and family.

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  12. Shannon, I am so touched by your family that I feel the need to let you know. I heard about your story from our dear neighbors, Kristine and Logan Turner. When I first looked at your blog I had my little McKenna with me. She took one look at your family and said, " I know them". I was shocked, "what?" She said, "that's Kaden, he's in my class." I too, am volunteering this year in Mrs. Hall's first grade class and I got the chance to meet Kaden last week. I did some individual testing on all the kids and when it was Kaden's turn I felt humbled to be sitting with him. He is such a smart, bright boy. What a wonderful mom you must be for it shines in Kaden throughout the classroom. I could never understand what you are going through, but your words help all of us moms to appreciate the families we have created and remember to hold our loved ones close. Your family is in our thoughts and prayers. With Love, Lisa Mrozla

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  13. I am a friend of a friend of a friend of yours ;) I just read through your blog and I am in tears for you. I cannot even imagine losing my little child. My grandfather just passed away on friday and I am comforted in knowing that he is with our Father In Heaven... He was a very sweet and kind man that loved babies and I know he will hold your sweet little one. I'm SO sorry for your loss and will pray for you and your family.

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  14. Just thinking about your family.
    Hoping you are surrounded by love and good hugs!

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  15. You don't know me...I read about your family on someone elses blog. Words can't begin to describe how sorry I am for your loss and reading your posts have brought me to tears. Your little man was a beautiful child. I have a 10 month old little girl, and will cherish every second with her more than before after hearing your story. Again, I am sorry for your loss. My prayers are with your family.

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  16. I discovered your blog through a friend's blog. I am so sorry for your loss and heartache. Lucas is continuing to touch more lives than you will ever know. My condolences and prayers reach out to you and your loved ones.

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  17. Dear Shannon,
    I happened onto your blog because my niece is a follower.
    I have sobbed while reading your experiences and my testimony grows with your courage to share and be so real.
    My son Tyler passed away from SIDS in 1985. Eventually the tears slow down, they never go away completely and they sneek upon you when you least expect it. Sometime it's from Joy of a memory, or something familiar that triggers the: where is my baby moment, like your experience at Lagoon. I remember waking up and numbly going through the motions of the day and one day after he had passed away, I climbed in the car and thought "oh my heck I left Tyler in the house". I had to just sit there and sob till I could drive. I don't share to make it seem bleak, I share to help you see if you have these moments, your not the only one.
    The Gospel is what brought me the most peace. The understanding of God's plan for us, me, my family and that he know's my pain. It's obvious from your posts you have great faith and know life is eternal and you will one day get to hug him again.
    God Bless You and Your Family.

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  18. I am so sorry to hear about the passing of your sweet baby boy. How lucky we are to have the gospel of Jesus Christ, and the knowledge that families are forever. My the Lord continue to be with you and bless you and your family as you continue through this difficult time.
    Heather (Gregory) Senkunda (Thomas & Kellianne's sister)

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  19. SHANNON-
    I DON'T KNOW YOUR FAMILY BUT AM A FRIEND OF SARA PACK. I HAVE ALSO BEEN TOUCHED GREATLY BY YOUR STORY AND YOUR WILLINGNESS TO SHARE IT WITH US ALL. IT IS A STORY FILLED WITH HOPE, STRENGTH, TESTIMONY, AND HAS REMINDED ME TO COUNT MY BLESSINGS A LITTLE MORE OFTEN. YOUR WORDS ARE FILLED WITH LOVE AND WHAT A LUCKY LITTLE BOY TO BE SURROUNDED BY YOU ALL FOR A LITTLE WHILE. I'LL BE PRAYING FOR YOUR FAMILY BUT PLEASE KNOW READING YOUR WORDS HAS CHANGED MY LIFE AND CAUSED ME TO REALLY PAUSE AND REFLECT ON THE THINGS THAT MATTER MOST. THANK YOU! I PRAY FOR YOUR FAMILY TO FEEL THE LOVING PEACE THE SAVIOR HAS TO OFFER YOU.

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