Our Hearts are Broken...

I am sorry that I have not updated until now. It is 4:30 am and I have been up for the past hour rocking our sweet little boy. He was not awake but I couldn't sleep and just wanted to hold him. The past couple of days have proved to be quite difficult as we received bad news the morning of the 26th. Lucas' tumors have grown and spread to his brain. There is nothing more the doctors can do for him at this time but to try and make him as comfortable as possible. They predict he has weeks to live and not many. We are devastated. We had high hopes that he would be one of the few that would make it and live a long and happy life especially after the last MRI results 2 weeks ago showed much improvement. I will never understand cancer, but I do understand the plan of salvation and that brings me much comfort. We have had many family members and friends come to visit in the hospital and it has been difficult to find the time to blog. My thoughts were racing as I laid in bed just trying to imagine what life is going to be like without our sweet Lucas. I know that he will be in good hands. It is not him I am worried about, it is those left behind. I remember being in the hospital with him after he was born and just gazing at his sweet face in awe of how special this little guy was. What would he have to offer this world and what would his mission be to complete here? What would be his hopes and dreams and who's lives would he touch? Little did we know he would touch more lives in 8 months than some people do in a life time. How lucky are we to be parents of such a sweet spirit and how much we have learned from him who has yet to udder a word. As I was rocking him tonight I was begging Heavenly Father to comfort me as the tears wouldn't stop and it was as if His arms literally wrapped themselves around me in a warm embrace. I am so grateful to have a loving God who hears and answers me when I need Him. He is never to busy. Lucas is comfortable and he is on a continuous morphine drip. He doesn't seem to be in pain and our prayers to comfort him have been answered. After much discussion we have decided to bring him home tomorrow on hospice. We feel it would be more comfortable at home and the boys need to spend time with their baby brother to create as many memories with him as possible. We told them the other night and I was very impressed with their reactions. Aaron did a great job of explaining and used a latex glove as a visual aid. He held up his hand using it as our spirit before we came to earth. By placing it in the glove it represented our spirit entering our body. Then he took out his hand and and left the glove behind as his spirit (hand) went up to be with Jesus and Heavenly Father in Heaven and the body (glove) is left here on earth. I'm not sure they will really grasp what's happening until the funeral, but Kaden showed a lot of emotions and cried sincerely for about 45 seconds. Then he quietly asked if we could go downstairs and get a treat. Such is the mind of a 6 year old who loves his sweets. For some reason, chocolate isn't bringing me much comfort. My knowledge of the real fact that we will meet again does and that this life is so short in the grand scheme of things. I know that there are loved one's on the other side anxiously awaiting his arrival although he hasn't been gone for long. He has come and completed his mission and purpose with flying colors and I am so proud and honored to be his mother. We are promised in the scriptures that He will never give us a trial to heavy to bear. Wow. I honestly used to think that I could handle just about anything.....anything except losing a child. Well, I can honestly say we don't know ourselves as well as our Heavenly Father does. Will this be difficult? Of course it will. He never said it would be easy, He only said it ,would be worth it. I don't have all of the answers as to why this is happening to us. And I know that I probably won't understand until the day comes when we are reunited. But, I have faith that all things are for a greater purpose and I'm honored to be the mother of such a sweet little spirit. Aaron is taking time off work and we are going to go home and cherish every last second we have with him. Life isn't fair. Cancer sucks. God is real and life will continue. Lucas, you are loved more than you will ever know. I know many of you are wondering what you can do for our family. All I can think of is pray. This difficult time is not over and the worst is yet to come. Please continue to pray for us to feel peace and that Lucas will remain comfortable. We love you all so much and thank you for being a part of our lives. We couldn't have done this without you.

Love,
Shannon